In the beginning, there was nothing. Darkness lay over the face of the nothingness, which really didn’t have a face, but does make a nice poetic image. Suddenly, out of the nothingness, a huge sneeze of unimaginable force was manifested and the void, not longer voided, filled with wondrous shining stars, and not so shinny dust.
“Bless me!” said Gaz.
And so it was the first cosmological period.
Gaz, being well please with the creation of His holy nostrils, waved his appendage in a circle, and all of the stars and dust spun and span and did gathered into spirals, some more spirally than others, some barred, while others, for reasons known only to Gaz, formed elliptically elliptical forms.
And so it was the second cosmological period.
And now Gaz, pleased with the majestic spirals, barred and not, and sparkly ellipses, with great force of will and much brouhaha, waved his appendage (a different one this time) and caused the dust to swirl around the stars. And swirl it did. And Gaz saw that the swirling was good.
And so it was the third cosmological period.
Gaz, beginning to bore with the incredibly slow pace of the swirling of dust, lifted forth his appendages (five completely different ones than the other two) and squeezed them together and thus the multitudinous planets were formed.
And so it was the fourth cosmological period.
And Gaz saw the planets, most of which were large and gassy, many of which were close to their stars with orbital periods of ridiculously short periods, and were roasted with great and copious amounts of radiation and tormented with winds of supersonic speeds. But some few were rocky and most almost as cold as the coldest cold. And Gaz wished to see something more interesting, and thus he intoned, “Be interesting!”, and with his words, some of the rocky planets moved into the goldilocks zones around their stars.
And so it was the fifth cosmological period.
And now, Gaz, being lonely since his beloved, only begotten pooch, Geezes, had recently died for nothing, greatly desired something more animated than swirling dust and rocks. Therefore, he breathed a deep breath, and then, like a gentle summer breeze of wondrous fragrance, he breathed out upon the planets in the goldilocks zones and did create tiny, microscopic bacterial life forms of various kinds in various places.
And so it was the sixth cosmological period.
And Gaz, being slightly fatigued and a tad dizzy from the blowing forth of his breath, did lean back and put up his lower appendages upon his majestic appendage stool while resting his other appendages behind his hallowed head and did look upon his creation. And it pleased him with great pleasure. And Gaz did sit back and did watch the wondrous bacterial life forms evolve. But after a short while, Gaz, being short of attention, became disinterested and left to take a long holiday and play some golf.
And the life forms did evolve, even in His absence. And they did evolve into wonderfully diverse forms, of seemingly, though not really, irreducible complexity. And through selection of the most natural kind, some died out for lack of fitness, others for lack of effort, still others for lack of giving a damn, but some continued evolving for eons, with a multitudinous of intermediate forms, and how beautiful and amazing and wonderful and different they all were. Some swam in liquids, some flew in the atmosphere, and others crawled, slithered and walked upon the ground. And some fewer still did become self aware and made tools and built great cities and other wonders such as crime, poverty, greed and wars.
And then a strange and ominous thing became to happen. These self called intelligent life forms, through the law of infinitesimals, did remember, although most infinitesimally and vaguely, the great Gaz who created all that is. And some began to tell their fellow life forms of Gaz and his great workings, and they did build grand edifices to Him and did pray, and did collect much and many tithes, and did try to impose their beliefs upon all who would not believe. And there were wars and genocides and all manner of evils. And the believers, some called Gazians, some Geezian (after Gaz’s only begotten pooch, whom they believe had died for their sins) did preach of the coming of the great green handkerchief and did live in mortal fear of it’s coming, when all believer would be raised up to dwell in the nostrils of Gaz, from which, they believed, we all first came.