I’m back, sort of. There have been some significant changes in my life in the past couple of weeks. I can’t say that they are good or bad yet because I honestly don’t understand how I feel about them, or anything for that matter.
I’ve been unhappy for a while. I suffer from depression and anxiety disorder. I go through cycles every six months or so when I go from being basically happy to terribly unhappy and no knowing what I want from life. It’s a terrible feeling and it just seems to be getting worse each cycle. This time, it seems to have cost me my marriage.
I’ve been married to a wonderful, kind and caring woman for the past two years and we’ve been together for four years. She’s been with me through my up and down cycles. She’s helped me with my two kids. She’s helped me emotionally and financially. But for some reason, I can’t seem to relate to her like I used to. I’m not sure I can relate to anyone anymore. She’s suffered for it and she doesn’t deserve to. I want to feel the way I used to, but I don’t know how. She moved out and I don’t blame her. She did it because she thought it would help me. I don’t know if it will or won’t. I don’t know how I feel at all. In fact, I pretty much feel nothing, except anxiety and panic. It’s like someone turned all the colors of my emotions to gray and there is bland music playing in the background (actually, right now its Pink Floyd, but even that isn’t getting any emotional response. I worry when music does nothing for me).
I’m alarmed and frightened by what I feel and how things are going. I’m in a very strange and unpleasant mental state and it’s honestly got me perplexed and worried. I’ve even seen neurotic behavior that I would have never expected from myself, such as feeling completely helpless and lost without my MacBook. Every time I go to write something, listen to music, work with photos, do my finances, I suddenly realize with alarm and great anxiety that I don’t have the MacBook anymore and I start for freak out. Over a stupid laptop! It’s irrational for me to feel like a part of me is in that MacBook, but thats exactly how it feels. Why? Of course, the MacBook doesn’t mean anything to me like my kids or wife does, but then why do I panic everything I realize I don’t have it? It’s ridiculous and I tell myself that each time, but still I start to have a panic attack anyway. I’ve got medication to take for panic attacks and I’ve been having to use it on a constant basis.
I want to start blogging again, but can’t seem to get my thoughts together enough to say anything useful about anything. I’m at least back to reading most of the blogs and news sites I used to, but I just can’t seem to get motivated about anything and, on the very few occasions where I have, the thought of having to actually put together a set of coherent ideas seems like having to move a mountain and I just give up without even trying. About all I can manage to write about is me and how I’m feeling. Maybe that’s what I need to do right now. I sense that it is, which is why I’m writing this now.
I don’t know when I’ll be posting again. I don’t know much of anything anymore. I’m sure it’ll sort itself out, but when and how, I have no idea.